Just Down the Hall by Alessandra Thomas

Author:Alessandra Thomas [Thomas, Alessandra]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: LeighAnn Kopans

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JJ: Hey Ethan - how difficult would it be to rig lots of votes to an online poll?

Chapter 16

Liz

Like every other warm-blooded college woman in the United States, I’d watched my fair share of that dating reality show, “Meet Mr. Right.” In the end, he always fell in love with one of the girls, and sometimes, their relationship even lasted long enough to make it to the cover of People Magazine. My sorority sisters and I had always joked that the producers of the show must have hand-picked the most ridiculously dramatic girls possible, just for the added publicity.

I was beginning to think the same thing about Philly Illustrated’s approach to finding men for me to date.

Yes, Monica always ran a rough sketch of the guys in each poll by me - “Entrepreneur in his 30s,” “Hipster Musician,” “Eclectic Adventurer” all sounded just fine, even exciting. Then I would go on the date, and it turned out to be a complete disaster.

As early summer turned into fall, I went on date after date with guys who weren’t just awful matches for me - they were awful matches for anyone. There was Rich, the guy who was cute enough despite his rumpled shirt, who I found out spent approximately 18 hours a day playing video games in his parents’ basement. Where he lived.

There was Alan, who was a very successful hedge fund manager, who traveled so much that he really just wanted to keep a girlfriend in every city. I would make a perfect “Philly fuck-buddy,” he informed me. I asked him if we could spell it “Phuck-buddy,” for the sake of alliteration in the write-up. He failed to understand that I was joking.

There were a couple more self-absorbed douchebags - the original underwear model Brad; Louis, the suffering artist; Neil, the plumber with dreads; Jack, who moonlighted as a stripper, which would be totally fine if he didn’t offer sexual services for extra tips on the side. Then there was the mayor’s nephew, Trent, who I would have loved to have a conversation on politics with if he would have let me get a word in edgewise. Most recently, there was Harry, the conservationist who said that any girl he dated had to be willing to eventually move into the tiny 250-square foot house he built on the back of a trailer with him. He cheerfully told me I’d be allowed to bring any of my personal possessions, as long as they would fit in a single storage tote.

I never called any of them back.

Instead, I poured my frustrations into my column, which got funnier every week, if I did say so myself. All the guys went by pseudonyms, and Deanna was super skillful at snapping photos that expressed the atmosphere and feel of each date without actually showing the guy’s face.

Basically, Liz Dates Philly was about as pain-free as it could get for all parties involved.

That is, unless you counted me, when I had to go home after the date was over and share space with the guy I actually wanted to be with.

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